Home Life - Domestic Help

The days of 'below stairs', household staff, scullery maids, skivvies and charwomen
 are long gone. But large numbers of us still employ domestic help of some kind, be it a weekly cleaner, an occasional gardener, an au pair, or even a live-in nanny. In most cases we have
 recourse to domestic help because we simply do not have time to do the tasks ourselves - we work long hours, travel daunting distances, ferry our children about, as well as packing in sport, exercise, socialising, shopping. There just aren't enough hours in the day…

But for many of us, domestic help - while absolutely vital to our wellbeing - is seen as an embarrassment, something to apologise for. This attitude can distort our relationship with domestic employees; we tidy up the house before the cleaner arrives, 
get drunk with the nanny, spend the afternoon drinking tea
 with the gardener.

Christmas Etiquette - Guests

If you're packing your bags for Christmas and staying with friends or family, you'll get more out of the experience if you follow some simple guest rules.

Come laden with goodies. Obviously, you will bring presents for all the family. But also ensure that you also come with plenty of good things to drink and some Christmas treats (a Stilton, box of truffles, Christmas pudding, mince pies, Christmas cake etc. etc.)

Christmas Etiquette - Entertaining

If you’re hosting Christmas, then you will find you have a big juggling act on your hands. You may well be dealing with several different generations, as well as bringing together representatives of two entirely separate families (united by marriage). All that, and presents and food too!

The tendency to fetishise your own family’s version of Christmas (“We always go to midnight mass, have a cooked breakfast, open our presents before lunch etc. etc.”) can sit very uncomfortably with new arrivals, who feel forcibly dragooned into your own family mythology.

Christmas Etiquette - Arrangements

All over the country, families are locked in intense seasonal diplomacy. It's that time of year again, when the imperatives of the festive season are forcing people to jump through the hoops, anxious to ensure that everyone is looked after, families are together, and no stray maiden aunts are marooned in Christmas day solitude.

This annual spectacle may be repugnant to you, and you may have already  planned to escape the seasonal madness. If you haven't already done so, however, you should be aware that it is now too late... you will be swept up by concerned relatives, the focus of frenzied negotiations. The simple truth is that most families simply cannot tolerate the Christmas opt-out; no matter how hard you protest that you're looking forward to a cosy day of tv-viewing and seasonal treats, you will find yourself a sitting target for concerned relatives.

Christmas Etiquette - Cards

The annual Christmas card frenzy is upon us, and it is decision time.  Are you a card agnostic, opting out of the whole shooting match, and prepared to live with a bare, non-seasonal mantlepiece?  Or are you an enthusiastic card-sender, equipped well in advance with check-lists, bumper card packs, and notes of last posting dates?

If you're going to join the annual card-sending maelstrom, make sure you choose your cards carefully. Remember that humorous cards, or cards with religious messages inside, may not be appreciated by everybody. It may be a good idea to buy two sets – one for those who will enjoy a light-hearted fun card, and another with a more generic ‘Seasons Greetings’ inside. E-mail cards may well induce panic in elderly relatives, but may be acceptable for a younger friend or colleagues.

Good Manners - On the Wagon

Most people, at some point in their life, refrain from alcohol. On occasions, refusal of alcohol is for perfectly clear medical reasons (booze may clash with prescription drugs, or an operation is impending, or the person is pregnant). At other times, it is more clearly a case of self-imposed abstinence: this can range from a few weeks ‘clean-living’ to a committed campaign to kick the drink habit once and for all.

Whatever the reason, a decision has been made, and must be respected. As a host, you may be confronted with a refusal of drink from your guest. Never question why this is happening; never cajole, or plead, or tease. You may be understandably disappointed that they’re not joining in the party fun, but you must never let this show – meet their refusal with good grace, and offer a tempting range of alcohol-free drinks.

Good Manners - Drunkenness

At the beginning of the evening, drink is the ally of social confidence; at the end of the night, it is the enemy of social manners. One minute, drinking is making you feel on top of the world, bringing a flush of excitement to your cheeks, and lending wings to your wit; the next, you’ve fallen over on your face, that flush has mottled and the amusement has stalled mid-air. 

Drunkenness is not infectious; if you are drunk, you cannot rely on the discreet intoxication of those around you, and the true drunk will inevitably be regarded as a social pariah. Drink makes fools of us all, plunging us from an agreeable state of intoxicated merriment and social bonhomie into maudlin introspection, verbal (and occasionally physical) aggression, or neediness and over-emotionalism.