Wedding Etiquette - Engagements

The diamond is sparkling on your finger, the date is set, and you are about - unless you're very careful - to undergo the transition from ordinary woman to bridal fury, an obsessive monster with one thing on her mind… the perfect wedding.

Be very afraid. Many a friendship has foundered on the rocks in the run-up to the wedding, and potential in-laws may well view your antics with dismay. In the flurry of champagne moments and warm-hearted celebrations that follow the announcement of an engagement, it's all too easy to become convinced of your own importance. You may become strident in defence of your right to have a perfect wedding, and ruthless in your treatment of anyone who (according to you) stands in your way.

Formal Etiquette - Thank you Letters

Thank you letters – for gifts, hospitality, favours – are not optional, they are an absolute necessity. The silence that follows giving a present, or throwing a dinner party, becomes eloquent and ominous with significance. The unfortunate host or benefactor will naturally leap to the conclusion that their present or hospitality has been found severely wanting. The reality might be no more threatening than laziness or bad manners, but the damage is done…

So make it a golden rule that you always write thank you letters. Yes, there may be some exceptions. You might, for example, have received, opened and exclaimed over a present with such breathless enthusiasm that a follow-up letter seems de trop. Or you might feel that the casual supper party doesn’t warrant the formality of a handwritten thank you note – a quick call or text of thanks the next day seems perfectly adequate. These exceptions might be perfectly valid – but, if in doubt, make a thank you letter your kneejerk, default reaction. After all, a thank you letter may seem over-effusive, but it will never, ever, cause offence.

Baby Etiquette - Smug Mums

The gloating new mother who lords it over lesser mortals, boasting about her baby can make her fellow novice mothers feel truly murderous. But with some simple precautions you will ensure that you never fall into the smug mum trap.

If you've been lucky enough to recapture that elusive pre-birth figure, don't refer to it around mothers who are still struggling with their weight. The spectacle of your lithe form will be depressing enough; remarks about being fortunate, eating anything etc. will just make women who still look six months pregnant feel even worse…

Formal Etiquette - Remembering Occasions

The reasons for forgetfulness are legion; busy lives, multi-tasking, social commitments, family preoccupations. Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations etcetera slip into oblivion, unmarked and forgotten.

Or milestone events are remembered too late - the shops are closed, the last post has gone, and the only option is the text message, the email, the phone call. This is better than nothing, but it is scarcely a noteworthy gesture, guaranteed to fill the recipient with a warm glow of appreciation. It smacks of an undignified last-minute scramble; an attempt to rectify earlier forgetfulness. Yes, the date has been noted, but the sense of occasion is certainly lacking.

Wedding Anniversaries

Once a year the marriage faces its annual challenge - to celebrate or not to celebrate? Few dates in the personal calendar have become so freighted with significance, and it's a rare person who is completely immune to the symbolism of the date, even if it is only marked by a fleeting twinge of discomfort.

In the early years of the marriage, the anniversary date is frequently writ large. Even if the presents are comparatively downbeat - paper, cotton, etc. - and the marriage cannot be hailed for its longevity, there is still a warm glow of significance about the date of the wedding, and a feeling that the marriage is young, vibrant and worth celebrating.

Halloween Etiquette

Halloween may have its origins in Celtic paganism, but – courtesy of Hollywood and some astute marketing – it has become a very contemporary festival, with supermarket aisles stocked with gory produce, pumpkins available on every street corner, and children clamouring for costumes, and begging to go trick or treating.

If your little horrors are intent on terrorising the neighbourhood on All Hallows’ Eve, you can at least take some basic steps to ensure that things don’t get out of hand.

Divorce Etiquette

The days when divorce was a social anathema, enough to permanently cast divorcees out from the Royal Enclosure at Ascot (a rule that was only repealed in 1955) are long gone. Divorcees were once seen as predatory and dangerous - man-eating gorgons intent on stealing husbands. The whole business of divorce was surrounded by an atmosphere of lingering titillation - hints of adulterous liaisons in seedy seaside hotels, dastardly co-respondents, private eyes and social scandal.

Today's divorces, on the other hand, are routine and bureaucratic, and any social stigma has all but evaporated. Divorce only seem to make the news when vast sums of money are in dispute, and most people emerge from experience with their social reputations intact.

Invitation Etiquette

The display of invitation cards on the mantelpiece has long been seen as the signifier of social success. There is something reassuringly classy about copperplate engraving, thick white card and arcane phrases: 'At Home', 'Decorations', 'Black Tie', 'Cocktails'… But don't overdo it. A battery of grandiose invitations smacks of snobbery - especially when, on close inspection, many of them have outlived their usefulness.

Smart invitations radiate a sense of certainty. As a guest, you feel reassured that the evening will proceed along pre-ordained, well-oiled, long- established, lines. Dress codes will be adhered to, cocktails will be served at a given hour, dancing (suitably organised) will take place, and food will be provided.

Techno-Etiquette

People are becoming increasingly besotted by their technology. It is quite usual to see them gazing in passionate contemplation at their pdas, mesmerised by their mobiles, lost in their laptops… Entire train carriages are transfixed - fingers tapping, screens flickering, headphones chattering.

Techno geeks are becoming immured from the real world, all external stimulus or distractions blocked out by gadgetry. This can undoubtedly be very useful when concentration is paramount, but it is deeply frustrating when an attempt is being made to communicate with them.

Online Manners and Netiquette

It is easy in the cyberworld to feel that the normal civilities are suspended.

The web is a place of endless reinvention, where people hide behind multiple personalities; the shy and socially awkward become brazen and bullish, the reticent become flirtatious, the uncommunicative become loquacious.

Formal Etiquette - Stationery

Who would have thought that mere paper could be so eloquent? From the weight and weave to the colour and dimensions, stationery is a deeply personal style statement. Bespoke stationery, with a printed name, address, phone number, involves a whole new set of decisions - sans serif or serif, black or coloured type, centred or ranged left? The list is endless…

So think carefully about what you want to convey. For many people the simplest option is the traditional - reassuringly thick paper or card (white or cream) and elegant typography (Copperplate sans serif or a flowery italic). Nobody could question your social credentials with such solid stationery on your side. You will be seen as a pillar of society, an upholder of traditions, and deeply conventional.

Handwriting

As we all become increasingly keyboard-savvy it feels as if handwriting is rapidly becoming a dying art. We
grip the pen uncertainly, our fingers unaccustomed to the position, our movements stiff and unwieldy. Many of us no longer possess a quality fountain pen - once it was the gift of choice for graduations, school-leavings, 18ths and 21sts, but now it seems increasingly irrelevant, its pre-eminence supplanted by laptops, pdas and mobiles.

But it is vitally important that you do not succumb entirely to the march of the keyboard. Useful as a keyboard is for the bureaucratic minutiae of daily life, the forms, emails, official notes and letters, it is worse than useless when it comes to meaningful, personal communications.

Godparents

The road to godparenthood is littered with good intentions. Being asked to officiate at the font is highly flattering; it feels like an endorsement of your credentials as a respectable adult, a vote of confidence in your personality, morals, good sense etc.

Unfortunately, the warm glow of self-satisfaction can mask some harsh realities. Are you actually prepared to commit to a (very possibly arduous) programme of bonding with a small child? Eighteen years of birthdays and Christmases stretch out before you; will you be able to stay the course? Do you suspect that greedy ulterior motives have informed your selection? Is your childlessness or wealth a factor that has been taken into consideration? (better gifts, help with school fees and potential legacies all rear their ugly heads…)

Christenings

This is, first and foremost, the parents' day, despite appearances to the contrary. The baby at the centre of the event is likely to be at best bewildered, and very possibly positively outraged. Many a priest's blessing has been drowned out by affronted squawks…

Your role, either as guest or main player (ie godparent), is to radiate effusive excitement and awestruck delight about the new baby. Greet its every burp and whimper with enthusiasm, gloss over its more unfortunate behaviour, exclaim over the beauty of its dress, shoes, shawl etc., and compliment the parents extravagantly on the choice of name.

Baby Bores

Yes we know they're little bundles of joy, uniquely beautiful and models of unutterable perfection, but just don't go on about it.
Your love affair with your new baby borders on the unseemly, and it's something best kept to yourself.

We know that your universe has just realigned itself and perspectives are dizzyingly altered. In the foreground, looming large, is a world of feeding times, sterilising units, nappy changes, sore nipples and sleepless nights. Everything else - from close friendships to world politics - has been consigned to the distant horizon. But you have to realise that this is an abnormal, and temporary, state of affairs.

Eventually you will wake from your slumber and stumble back into the real world….